Reflection about the quality of life from many perspectives often shows that those factors that are largely blamed by the ‘cancer’ were in fact, in disarray before. Cancer treatment reframes the level and awareness of intimacy amongst couples. It will either strain or strengthen a relationship so honest communication is vital. However, it is not uncommon for marriages and long-term partnerships to be put under an enormous strain. For women not in relationships, it heightens the impact on fertility, and impact on finding a new partner who is accepting of her physical changes.For many though, a feeling of emotional disconnection from herself and partner is not uncommon in the first twelve months, especially if there are other factors creating pressure. It is almost as if the enormity of the diagnosis flings each into her or his space to sort them out. And in this space there is a lack of connection. It is common to suddenly be at a loss of what to say to each other; for both to feel useless and abandoned in the relationship – any attempts of ‘support’ seem futile. One of you may be focusing on the practical issues facing you while the other is in need of intensive emotional support at that time. Nothing seems to synchronize. The potential threat to life is now compounded by the potential loss of self-esteem, partnerships, relationships and an uncertainty of how the other will now accept her as a ‘new and unknown’ person.It is a common immediate reaction to focus on the physical – the healing of the body, and often because of the frustration associated with the slow progress of recovery, anger and hostility toward each other may emerge. The ‘healing’ of the emotions and mind usually comes after acceptance of the condition has commenced, although in the initial phases you may feel the need for strong emotional affirmations. For relationships that are fragile, dealing with the healing of the physical can often be too much to bear and relationships disintegrate, often permanently. For women with children, the coping during this time is usually focused on trying to maintain the relationship for the ‘children’s sake’. It is important to discuss any relationship issues you may have with your doctor, as they understand this is a normal outcome of treatment.Talking about your feelings either with each other, or in a support group, may help rebuild your life, release the tension and relearn how to be aware of and understand each other’s way of coping. Understanding during this time that life is possibly going to be out of balance makes it easier to develop realistic ways of coping. Understanding that underlying the angry outbursts and unexplained ‘new’ behaviour is often an expression of fear, a reaction that cannot be expressed in more harmonious ways. For that person, at that time, regardless of whether they are patient or carer, it is the only way she knows how to react. It is when the reaction is abnormally hostile or angry and the person is not aware of the ongoing intensity of the reaction that counseling may need to be sought.As this was the third round with a family member having cancer for my husband, he was not very communicative about it except with his brother.We’d just keep the family going for the boys benefit. He didn’t really care about changes to my physical appearance things like that. The fact that I was alive was enough. EmilyHe always seemed to be positive and in control. ‘You’re going to get better; you’re going to survive this.’ That struggle for survival was a bit above expectations sometimes. It was very evident he was more nervous about my survival especially after my first round of chemo. I was told his worry was normal. Giuliana My husband has been fairly supportive and does not get frustrated or irritated.I have always been the initiator of sex but it has changed. I read that orgasms aren’t as good after surgery but that is not the case. My sex life is O.K. Caroline*38/144/5*
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